Days 68, 69, 70: SNOW and 2010

How to end the hardest 14 weeks of my life? With a day off. Thanks, global warming! Or, rather: Thanks, acting head!

The last three days managed to merge into one long mess, so I'll sum up together.

Wednesday: I "taught" the last of my lessons for the week. I managed to get the year 9s to do the assessment they refused to do the day before, although one girl, sans TA, refused to do hers, even with my help. I pretty much switched off by the end of the day, which was pretty terrible, although not before enjoying watching my year 7s literally jump out of their seats when I showed them the Beowulf film. Oops. I ended the day helping out at an "exhibition" of art work in the atrium (costumes and huge Tim Burton-esque statues that appeared one day) by serving mulled wine, ignoring children, and then heading to the pub.

Thursday: Not starting till third period, and with only two lessons, and the staff do in the evening, meant that by this point there was very little teaching being done. I showed a film to year 9, who whined, and watched my year 10s do their coursework. Or ask me to read it and hand it back to them within the lesson. I left the place in a bit of a mess, as I had a Teachy Firsty meeting with my fellow Teachy Firsties and our professional mentor. It was quite nice - a bit of shop talk, but also crisps and sparkling wine, and the realisation that the end was nigh.

I then ran off with two English colleagues to get last minute things for the Staff do we would be having that evening. There was a quiz in the school's theatre, and the highlight of which, other than coming joint first in our English team, was the announcement from the acting head that, if the snow continued, we would have the last day of term called off.

Of course, after a rather boozy staff function, we were relieved to be rewarded.

Friday: Snow day. I spent half of it in bed, then made my way home to my family. I felt slightly robbed of my last day of term, although who am I to begrudge a lie-in?

So I suppose this is where I cast my reflections on the term, and on teaching in general. Perhaps writing this two days before I go back to school will have more influence on how I feel than is fair, but after two weeks of explaining to anyone who asked the impertinent question: "So, how is the teaching going?" I no longer feel the need to be polite.

Reader, I hate it.

I absolutely, positively HATE it.

I keep joking that "teaching would be great, if it weren't for the children" but really that's not what I hate. No, I could put up with the apathy, chat-back, teeth-kissing and such if for one thing: if I knew I was doing a good job otherwise. I actually quite like a lot of the kids. What I hate is being bad. And I am TERRIBLE. My lessons are too short or too long, the pace is crap, my moods are tempestuous, my passion for English (which exists somewhere) is often severely lacking when it comes to texts I don't like, my organisational skills are APPALLING which means my books are not marked, and my APP stuff is certainly not up to date. And that's just the teaching, that's not even scratching the surface on the Teachy Firsty half of the job.

I suppose this sounds like some sort of professional suicide note. If any of my superiors (and I suppose everyone is superior in some way or another) knew what a mess I'd left behind they'd be less than impressed. One of the reasons I decided not to quit over Christmas (and believe me, that was a conversation I'd had more than once) was that I was too ashamed to leave the classes and my paperwork in such a state. I have spent the past two weeks forgetting exactly how big a mess I'd left behind but now that I need to face up to it, I am terrified about actually going in and trying to sort it out.

Which brings me onto this: My New Year resolutions. One thing I know about myself is that I Do Not Quit. I ain't giving in this easy, especially when everyone tells me that it gets so much easier this side of Christmas (fuckers better not be lying or I will be PISSED.)

Ergo:

1. Be more positive.
I suppose this goes without saying; I rarely see the brighter side of things, and my glass is always half empty and cracked. If I want to be happier, in general, and in this career, I need to be positive. Be nice. Until it's time to not be nice. (Thanks, Dalton)

2. Be more organised.
When I go in on Monday, at the crack of dawn, no doubt, I will make myself a very, very long list of all the things I need to get done. And I will do them!

3. Stop swearing.
Not that I do, in front of the kids, but I know I need to watch what I'm saying most of the time. I will try to expand my vocabulary to no longer require swears. I do love a good swear, though.

4. Try to enjoy it.
There's a Thai concept - Sanuk. No matter what the Thais do, they try to approach it with a sense of humour and find fun in it, be it working in a field, or no doubt, teaching ingrates. I'd like to try this myself.

5. Keep my personal life out of it.
I suppose I am no longer a teenager and should be able to go into my work without letting whatever shenanigans I got up to at the weekend upset me. So yeah, Be Professional.

Right. I have just over a day left of weekend, so I will make the most of it. I will try to get my journal in order, and prepare for my one lesson back on Monday. I will also take the time to chill out. I'm not looking forward to going back (that made be obvious) and cried a couple of days back at the mere prospect. However, I know I want to do this. I want to be good. I want to succeed, and I want to help the kids to do well, too. Lest I forget, this is all about the kids. Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to 2010.

Day 67: Drag.

Considering how much I was dreading going in to work today, it wasn't actually too bad. That's not to say it was good, but still.

I started the day with my Year 7s. They were performing their speeches (funeral orations for Beowulf) and some were great. Behaviour was a little sketchy, exacerbated by my poor planning, but otherwise it was ok.

Year 11 came after break, and I have never been so disappointed in myself. The guys don't know how to do anything for themselves. It's painful. Some of them were really really trying, but I just don't know what to do with them. I'm terrified that I haven't prepared them properly for their mock exam. My colleague told me not to worry, that it wasn't my fault assuming I'd done everything I could. I'm not convinced I have.

Year 9 were after lunch, and were both lively and thin on the ground. Unfortunately, as it's the last week of term, trying to make them sit an assessment was never going to be easy, and I relented and let them watch Romeo and Juliet, which had been shown to them the day before in my absence. I got them to agree to do the assessment tomorrow instead, which I am SURE will happen. One of the boys, U, asked me to send an email to the head of punishing pupils, or whatever her title is, telling her what a good boy he was. Unlikely, kiddo!

Finally, I had to round the day off with the delightful Year 8. My plan for the lesson was to finish the play, and we did, and not much else. It was pretty appalling lesson, if I'm honest, but they read through it, and watched a film version, and all was well. Enough.

I left pretty early to go home to plan, but not a lot of that's happened so far. I am so frazzled. And that's with a day away from teaching yesterday.

Only three more days to go...

Day 66: Sick Sick Sick

Today, I am sick. I can only remember taking two days off in the past 3 years for being ill, so I feel pretty terrible.

A day spent sleeping, eating, and building a little fort in my bed should do the trick, plus a trip to my new, and rather patronising, GP.

Till tomorrow, folks.

Day 65: Lessons Learned

To follow Thursday's blog: yes, I made it in to work on Friday. Tears at 7am melted my resolve to persevere briefly, but I pushed myself out the door, arriving late but in one piece.

As I look back now, with 24 hours' reflection, I realise there's a reason this week has been so hard. For once, I can't even blame the kids. I've allowed myself to fester in a pit of self-loathing and I don't know why. The observation I had made a couple of weeks ago that my Friday evenings were not good for my general well-being was somewhat more accurate than I realised. What I have noticed since then was, like the kids themselves, I've let my personal life into work, and affect my mood - and therefore my performance. It seemed to creep up on me without notice, until it had overtaken and overwhelmed me. Not terribly exceptional, I must say. Sorry, Teachy Firsty.

And so, I have made a pact with myself. Following some encouraging words from a friend, and some more from my mother, I've decided that I will stop being so negative. I will also stop talking about my social life in these blogs; these are supposed to be about teaching, not the poison that is my self-esteem.

Right. Friday. I had an observation (!) for the first lesson, year 10, and I was fairly worried about it, as I'd not done a great job in my lesson with year 10 the day before. Luckily I found my professional tutor, who was going to observe me, before the lesson and talked it through with her. With her advice, I went into the lesson feeling more confident, although when I started, I realised that the kids were not as together with the work as I thought they were, so I let them carry on with whatever they wanted. I tried going around and helping them out individually, taking a couple of girls aside to go through certain areas they'd missed, and explaining on the white board how betting works (to explain a news story!) The feedback from the lesson was mixed: although my relationship with the class is fantastic, I'd make a bit of a pig's ear of the coursework as I'd not asked for much guidance, or asked the wrong people, and therefore had made it up as I went along. The kids were all getting on with it, which was good, but in future I'd do a much better job. Oh well.

After my feedback I went for a cigarette. Yep, I fell off the wagon, one day short of 4 weeks, although I've only allowed myself the weekend. After break I had year 7, and I was basically preparing them for a speaking and listening task. I should have left this till the Monday, or, like my colleague, missed it out altogether, but either way, I went with it and they worked, eventually. I've realised one of the girls is turning into a bit of a handful, so I'm going to have to sit her very far away from everyone else in future lessons.

I finished after the lesson, and pretty much switched off. I can't remember what I did, other than go to the shop and walk through a music video being filmed there. I also had feedback from my year 10 lesson on Thursday from my professional mentor, who is currently acting head as well. She was pretty positive, although told me that I talked too much and did all the work for the kids. Oops. She suggested I have one of them time me every time I spoke, and warn me when I go over two minutes - great idea.

After work, I did a bit of paperwork, but then was persuaded (it didn't take much) to go to pub for a drink before the school production of Hairspray, for which I had a ticket. Half a pint turned into 2 1/2, and I giggled back to the school with my colleague, to take my seat at 7pm next to one of my most notorious pupils, M, who offered me a cookie but otherwise was fairly restrained.

The play itself was pretty entertaining. I was pleased to see my clock being used as a prop. What was especially sweet was seeing the kids (including two of my year 10s I teach) working so hard at something and doing so well at it. There was some excellent talent, although it was somewhat overshadowed by a kid in drag and another behind a giant moustache. I loved it, and went back to the pub after to celebrate my colleagues' success in the production. I actually had a fantastic time at the pub, singing karaoke and chatting to my favourite colleague (a fellow Teachy Firsty) and mingling with the locals.

And so it is the end of the week - and one week, 5 days, 15 lessons to go till Christmas break. If I make it through this week, I'll have made it to Christmas, and I'll be able to make it through anything. Fingers crossed.

Day 62-64: Satisfactory

Tuesday:

The time is 22.45. I have spent little over 4 hours on one task.
Planning a lesson?
No.
Prepping resources?
No.
Marking?
No.

I spent last 4 hours (plus) on sewing together one skirt. Just one. Ridiculous.

It's now midnight so I am officially giving up. Tragic.

Reflections on the day: Well, I started off by noticing, 15 minutes into my year 11 lesson, that my jumper was inside out. Glorious. The lesson was... ok. It was interesting to see how little they understand the poems, so I'm going to have to doubly work on them tomorrow because I'm worried the guys (girl still isn't turning up) will just not get it. Behaviour was.. ok. K was being a moody little so and so. I expect nothing less.

Wednesday:

To be honest, I can't remember. All I can remember was staying late to prep for my observations on Thursday, and then having to cancel dinner plans as a result. Depressing.

Thursday:

Today has to go down as the worst day. Nothing too bad at school, other than the stress of two observations. I even went for drinks after.

However, I walked home (or rather stumbled) in floods of tears. I was bawling. I must have looked nuts. Why so sad? I guess the stress, fatigue and disappointment of 13 weeks' hard graft finally caught up with me and being told I'd ruined the departmental secret Santa pushed me over the edge.

Not good. I think it's time for a sick day.

Day 61: No, Miss Lee, 2 hours' sleep is not enough

The title says it all. I stayed up until exactly 4.30am to get my Reflective Journal Assignment finished (and no, don't ask how long I'd had to do it) so when my alarm went off at 6.30am I was feeling a little less than refreshed, let's say.

I survived the day on red bull, diet coke and hysteria, lapsing into miserable pits of despair whenever my blood sugar ran low. Fortunately I only had two lessons ("Why did you even come in?" someone asked) and they weren't particularly difficult, so I wasn't too concerned about the day itself being taxing.

I'm going to cut this short as my eyes are drooping as I type, and it's definitely time for me to sleep. Year 7 were fine, if a little spirited, and then year 11 were boisterous, especially since there were only 8 of them, and we just orally recapped the short stories, then watched Doctor Who on BBC iPlayer. A bit of a waste of a lesson, in hindsight, but there you go.

I nearly fell asleep on the wrong bus, then walked around Morrisons in circles trying to pick some fruit up, as I've not been having my five-a-day and it's beginning to show in my skin (a year 7 asked what was wrong with my face. That felt nice.) I gorged myself of blueberries and spinach and called it an early-ish night at 9pm.

This does mean that I'll have to plan tomorrow morning but, for the sake of sleep, it's worth it right now. Bon nuit.

Day 60: Reflect this!

Day 60. Sounds rather grand, doesn't it? I can't believe there are only 10 days left of term. I honestly cannot wait until this is over and I get two weeks off. I think I've probably said that before, but still - the feeling is building with every day I spend in the school.

First things first: the observant among you may be able to tell by the time this entry was written that I did not do too well at not going out after work on Friday. I did avoid spending 12 hours in the pub, I also managed to get some work done after school finished. Unfortunately that's all I've accomplished so far. Maybe try again next week.

Righty ho. Today I was looking forward to having a lesson covered as I FINALLY managed to sort out a physio appointment for my knee at the hospital across the road from the school (long story short - fell on knee, damaged the underside of my kneecap, can't play rugby anymore.) So I got into school early and, having been out all yesterday for training, sorted out my classroom and my cover for my year 10s. I wasn't sure how long I'd be at the hospital, so was only going to ask them to finish off what they *should* have been writing the day before.

I was asked to help out a colleague by covering her VT, so I went in there to see a year 11 boy sat at the computer. I wasn't entirely convinced that he should be doing the register himself, so decided to interrupt his conversation with a girl (who as it turned out, was not even in the form) so that I could take over.
"Excuse me."
*boy continues to chat*
"Excuse me."
*chat*
"Ahem. EXCUSE ME."
"WHAT? I'm signing in the form!!!"
"Er - don't talk to me like that. I've been asked to do it. Please sit down." Little shit.
I sat down in his vacated seat and watched the kids. I'm glad I don't have a form. The problem with being new, and less than confident in oneself, is that the kids just ignore you. I was a little embarrassed when the head of year 9 came in to check up on the group, as requested by my colleague, and she was able to make them remove hats and coats and even sit in their seats without fuss. I think "undermined" should be my middle name in this place.
I was so fed up with the boy who was rude to me, when he started annoying the girls with a rather irritating story about farting in a girl's face, that I went to get my HoD to cover them so I could leave for my appointment.

As it turned out, the physio appointment only took 15 minutes so I was able to get back in time for my year 10s. They were a little disappointed when the cover teacher turned up and I sent him away, as he's the school heartthrob, it would seem. Gutted. Year 10 were pretty good; we talked about Britishness as a starter, and some of them came up with some interesting ideas. I keep launching into politics, which is amusing in as much as you can actually *see* their eyes glaze over, but having read some of the work, it was clear that a lot understood what I was trying to say. I had spoken at length about why everyone hates Gordon Brown/Tony Blair which they took a bit literally, but never mind.

After year 10 I had year 7, and I had thrown together some Simpsons-related video to talk about characterisation. I was a little lost with the original lesson plan, but I think the kids got what I wanted out of it. I also showed them a clip from Shrek because, well, why not? It was almost relevant. We got through the lesson and they did the plenary, which makes a nice change, and the bell went and I was free for the day.

After lunch I sorted through paperwork, tidied my desk, finished my book, and went down to The Bin but *DIDN'T* smoke. Win. I feel under a lot of pressure at the moment because I'm behind with my marking and I have a written assignment due on Monday which I am yet to write. It's also 5am and I can't sleep, so you can see my predicament. Anyway, all in all, it was a rather nice day, and I just CANNOT wait for this term to be over. Roll on Day 61; let's be having you.

Day 58 and 59: Cream Crackered

Wednesday felt exceedingly long. I hadn't had a 12 hour day at school in quite some time. Unfortunately I'm writing this the next day and already I've forgotten what I did, but suffice to say there were four periods (again) and I was very very tired by the end of it.

Today (Thursday) I had a bit of a treat - Teachy Firsty training. I had hated the training day back in September, or whenever it was, but this was actually enjoyable. Other than having a written assessment due on Monday which I am yet to write, I came away feeling pretty positive about the whole thing. Plus I got to see my mum and brother afterwards, and had some friends over for dinner. What a nice day.

Day 57: Fire Drill

Long day. 4 periods. Tired. Best part: fire drill. Kids got to go home 15 minutes early, and I went out on a week night for the first time this term.

Day 56: Only 14 more get-ups till Christmas!

I got home today at 4. That must be a record. This was for two reasons, the first: I just had to get the heck out of that place and the second: to sign up at my local GP surgery. That fun being over, I slumped in front of Friends (oh, where would I be without the comfort of Friends every day?) Unfortunately I got a bit carried away with relaxing, and have made it to 8.30 without prepping anything for tomorrow. Not good.

Well, before I get down to that, eventually, I will try to remember what happened today.

I managed to get in at 7ish today, which was good, and as I had first period off I had ages to prep for the day. I was pretty nervous because I had year 8 first thing, but I was trying to put on a brave face.

Year 8 eventually turned up, later than expected. All we were doing today was prep for their assessment tomorrow, and the little buggers didn't seem to care that they needed to prepare today if they wanted to do well. Oh well. The behaviour overall was not great but not terrible. We ploughed through the work, and I am a bit relieved that, as we're having an assessment tomorrow, I can sit them separately and not have to worry about it too much.

Year 7 were up next, and they have definitely gotten too feisty. The lesson was ok; I put them in groups which was an organisational disaster, and then they had to read the chapters and answer questions between them. I looked over and saw P throw a book behind him, so asked him to go outside. He stood, leaning against the wall, and ignored me. I moved around him and he kept turning away. Eventually I could see that he was crying. I asked if he was upset or angry.
"Angry."
"Why are you angry?"
He went off on a little diatribe about one of the girls saying she didn't want to work with him because he was stupid. I felt really bad. I eventually persuaded him to sit in a colleague's room until he calmed down. I went to speak to the girl who looked pretty confused but sheepish when I told her what she'd done. After the lesson I kept them behind and told her to apologise to him; she did and he ignored it, then sat staring at the wall so I told him to wait until he calmed down before he left.

I was pretty excited about lunch because I had brought with me... Easter Pie! I ended up passing it round to everyone because I was so proud of it, and almost all of my colleagues who tried it were impressed. And so they should have been!

After lunch I had year 9, and I was pretty nervous about it. One of my boys was coming back from HIP, so I wasn't sure how that would be. As it turned out, he stormed in, sat down and refused to do any work. It would seem that they enjoy HIP. Not surprising that. The lesson was a bit of a drag; my colleague told me that I need to improve my pace because they get bored when I wait for the slower kids to catch up.

Finally I had year 11, and as much as I like the boys, they were a little restless, what with it being the end of the day. I had to work one on one with three of them, which meant that they didn't do work when I wasn't helping. K was being obnoxious, walking around the room and writing on my board when I wasn't looking. Idiot.

The lesson finished and, as there was not Teachy Firsty training, I RAN out of there. Less than 3 weeks left now. Thank god.

Day 55: F-F-F-Friday

I love Fridays. Especially Eid Fridays. Half the kids aren't in for 'religious observance' which meant that the classes are nice and small and you can do something a little more lighthearted. It was interesting to see the difference that 5-10 fewer pupils makes to a class.

After an impromptu visit to the pub on Thursday night I didn't manage to sleep well all night and woke up at 4am. By the time it got to 6am I was fed up, and got up and arrived at work by 7am. I was disappointed to see I wasn't the first in, but oh well. I set about preparing my year 10 lesson; as I'd stayed out late and gone straight to bed, I hadn't sorted it the night before. They were a little reluctant to do work, thinking that they should be allowed to just watch a movie, but what I gave them was quite light hearted and they got on with it - analysing the language of an article from Pick Me Up magazine called "I married a panto dwarf!" We ended up chatting for a while about going to see a pantomime, and in the end none of them managed to write the PEE paragraph I set, but it was a fun lesson.

I had a free, and I think I spent it organising my stationary cupboard (because, why not?) Then I had year 7 after break, and it was time, once again, for a library lesson - hurrah! There were too few kids to do the library work, so they all got to read for an hour. I spent the lesson chatting to the librarian, reading Notes on a Scandal, and moving between the kids to stop them talking. One of the girls found a book on childbirth and showed the other kids. I took it off her to stop the giggling, then leafed through it. As I was doing so, P came over and, whilst gesturing to a photo of a baby in utero, said something along the lines of "that's sick man!"
I replied, "No, it's not, it's beautiful and natural."
This is a bit of a joke as, having been brought up by a midwife, I've seen more than my fair share of childbirth (not in person, mind) and I find it fairly repugnant. Anyway, just as I was saying this to P, I flipped the page over to a somewhat explicit photo of a baby being squeezed out. P made a face, then luckily just wandered off back to his seat. Close call.

I was finished after this lesson, so for the rest of the day tried to do some marking, but I think I was less than successful on that front. I did, however, watch Gavin and Stacey with my colleague in his room, which was fun.

After school ended I headed down to the pub, where I stayed far longer than I should have done. Although I enjoy relaxing with colleagues and our weekly ritual, I've decided that I drink far far too much of a weekend, and seeing as I'm on a health kick I'm going to give it a miss for a couple of weeks. I'm also more than a tad concerned that spending 10 hours in the pub every Friday is not doing me any favours, physically or mentally. Time for a change.

Day 54: A pretty good day, actually

I don't know if I should be pleased that I had a pretty good day today, or perplexed that it followed on from one of the worst yet. I said it before, and I'll say it again: if there's one thing I don't like about this job, it's the unpredictability. Of course, people always use that as a selling point for teaching, and in some ways it's true that not knowing what's going to happen is what makes it so exciting, but I hate the way that on some days I feel like I want to jump in front of the W6 (when it actually turns up) and others I feel like dancing down the corridors.

Anyway, I had stayed pretty late the night before to mark year 10 books, finally, but didn't plan my last lesson as a result. Luckily I had two frees in which I could do it. I was a little apprehensive about my year 9 lesson, as the scheme called for a bit of drama. I've been itching to try this out with my groups, but so far it hadn't worked - although I haven't tried it since the start of last half term. Plus I didn't have my colleague in today's lesson. I ploughed on regardless, and was a little taken aback by one of the teachers who handles NQT training offering me "support" (meaning "scrutiny" - joke) as my NQT colleague, whom she was supposed to be supporting, was giving his students an assessment and therefore didn't require any. I said yeah, why not, and she sat at the back. I got on with the lesson, and introduced the drama task. I *should* have modeled it, and I thought about it at the time, but I've got to admit I was a little self-conscious. I know that this is something you absolutely can't be in teaching, and perhaps if the other teacher hadn't been there I might not have been. Only a few of the kids actually wanted to do it, which might have been different if I'd shown them what to do first, but B, one of the brightest and therefore most challenging kids in the room, was excellent, and rolled about the place, even falling off the table (they were pretending to be drunk for a scene in The Tempest.) I was impressed, until he refused to get up off the floor. Anyway, the rest of the lesson went ok, except I ran out of time watching the scene on film, but the feedback I got from the observer was really positive - she actually said it was good! I couldn't believe it. I know it's might not sound great, but I felt so good reading her notes, and hearing she'd told my mentor what a good lesson it had been.

Year 10 were straight after, and I've got to say: I love this group. LOVE them. For the moment, anyway. We, as always, got into a little debate, or they did anyway, about the news item I was giving them to study, and the lesson was a little improvised but it went really well and I got some great answers out of them. A was on form, giving some great answers and joining in, but she did turn up 20 minutes late. She wanted me to talk to her form tutor about how well she had done, but I told her if she turned up on time I'd consider it. I realised that tomorrow quite a lot of the class would be off for Eid, so I wouldn't be able to follow up the lesson how I wanted, which is a shame as we're running out of time and it's the third Friday we've not really used. However, there's no point teaching something they need if a third of them won't be there, so I'll scrabble something together in the morning.

Last lesson was year 7, and I managed to plan it in the lesson before. I was sat in my room when a couple of year 7 children turned up. They said there was a note on their class door telling them to come to mine for a cover lesson. I had no idea about this, so I turned them away. A couple more kids turned up, and, as I hadn't had an email, I sent them off again. It was only when the cover teacher turned up that I realised I might be wrong. I checked the cover email that gets sent every morning and, sure enough, down the bottom my classroom was being used. I felt bad for sending all the children off into the school, and the cover teacher went to round them up. Oops.

Anyway, year 7 came in all flustered as they'd just had PE, and there was a little antagonism as two of them didn't want to sit next to each other. I told them to sit where I'd told them, and they did, which was a nice change. I hadn't really liked what was on the scheme for this lesson, so it was also a little different to what I was supposed to do, but I gave them a wordle and instructed them to highlight, underline or circle different words. Man, I love wordles. Then we talked about what the chapter might be about, and they seemed to get the prediction right. We then read it, or rather, I read it, and as it was set in the "darkness of the dark fen" we turned off the lights and closed the blinds, and the kids provided the sound effects. I crept around the room, trying to be as dramatic as possible, and at one point jumped and shouted the end of a sentence at a girl who duly screamed and jumped out of her chair. Hilarious. Unfortunately, I had wanted to make them draw some story boards from a previous lesson, but I ran out of time so set it as homework, and with the last 5 mins didn't really do much, which was stupid. I must remember to always have something to give them.

After school finished I was reminded of the grand library opening, which I'd said I'd go to, so after lounging around for half an hour went off with some colleagues. I was delighted, when I got there, to see that i had a name badge waiting. There were about ten pupils too, some of whom helped in the library, who were later going to perform some poems to the audience. The library had been decorated in an Alice in Wonderland them, which was so lovely, and the kids had made sandwiches and there were cakes and some wine, even. There was also a tile-production workshop going on, which was a community project set up by one of the art teachers, whereby everyone could get the opportunity to create a tile made of clay and write their positive message to the community on it, as it would then be fired and put on display. I tried, for AGES, to think of an inspiring Latin or Shakespearean quotation, but in the end I went for Carpe Diem (argh) which did look good. After I'd made that the speeches began, and I won't go into detail, but some were longer than others, to say the least. The kids then performed, which was pretty adorable, including a girl playing a 20 second violin piece, a boy reading out a story he'd written ("this is from chapter one but if you want to read the rest I've printed out copies on the table") about students being eaten by a teacher, and some poems. All in all, it was really nice, and I went down to the pub after with a couple of colleagues, which was a mistake as I crawled back home, rather fuzzy, at ten. I won't be doing that again.

Day 53: Pick yourself up

It was pretty hard getting in to work today. Not only was I tired, miserable, and fed up, I was also bricking it about the phone call from yesterday. I had decided that I would go in, email the head of year 8 and the tutor of the kids, and tell my head of department, and that would be it. I walked in, which gave me a good 20 mins to think through everything. After the barrage of support and well wishes I'd received from friends and family, I was feeling a bit more positive.

When I got in I ran straight into my colleague, with whom I share the year 8 class. I told her about what happened, and she was extremely nice, telling me I'd done the right thing, and saying what I could do in a future situation, should it arise. Various colleagues came in whilst I was recounting the story, and I was given a hug by one as I cried about the whole thing. I felt much better, especially after my HOD put it all in very clear terms which I won't post here.

First up today was year 9, and the lesson was a little messy. I tried doing something in an active way but the kids weren't really paying attention so it didn't work. I think overall they got the point of the lesson but at times it was a little wishy washy. My pace is a real issue, especially with this group, so I need to make my lessons snappier. There was a rather embarrassing moment where I had to check the answer to an activity and was less than subtle, and one of the most irritating boys in the class noticed and started shouting out: "MISS DOESN'T KNOW THE ANSWERS!" I laughed it off, but it was a reminder that I need to know exactly what I'm doing before the lesson.

Year 11 were next, and I'd planned to basically finish off the activities from the lesson before, which we did do. Once again my pace was sloppy, and the kids that weren't working were beginning to get restless. I keep wanting to wait up for the slower kids but it means the class drags. I think I drilled it into them that the exams focus on characters, and that they need to know about what the characters are like. Even K did some work.

I had two frees before my last lesson, year 10, so I potted around, planning, sorting and such like. I wanted to get marking down but I was a little preoccupied with chatting to my colleagues. I should point out that I'm pretty pleased with myself that I've managed to make it this far without smoking, although I really felt like one yesterday.

Year 10 finally arrived, and I had set up a pretty nice AFL lesson for them - mark exemplar essays and say what was good about each one. They all managed to do this, and most of them were pretty accurate with their marks too. I hope what they need to do went in. One of my Turkish little madams turned up half an hour late, but stayed after for detention without much complaint.

After school I stayed till 7, yes, 7, to prepare for tomorrow and mark. I finally managed to mark year 10's books, and was pretty proud of myself for that one, although I left without planning my year 7 lesson for tomorrow which was less good. At least I have a free I can do it in.

I've noticed in the last couple of days that several fellow Teachy Firsters are getting rather frustrated at the moment. I wonder if things are really that bad for everyone, or if it's true, and that this is the worst term of the year. We're over the first stage of teaching, and onto the dark, long days where we're all tired and fed up, as are the kids. Lots of people are off sick, and those who are in are pissed off. No wonder we're all fed up. I suppose all we can do is pick ourselves up and get on with it. There's only 3 1/2 weeks left till Christmas anyway.

Day 52: A slap in the face

Late night, early morning, and a 4 period day. It was never going to be good. I'm writing this after three or so hours of self-indulgent sitting and watching television from the comfort of my flat, with a platter of fish and chips and a flatmate to drown out the sound of my thoughts, and so I'm slightly less frustrated than I felt on the walk home.

To start, I was in a mad panic last night as I managed to waste the evening without doing any of the planning and prep I wanted, and was left to sort it out very late, and so spent the first period off this morning sorting out my lessons and resources.

First up were year 11. I was just finishing off the lesson from the day before, and they were pretty good, we had a few laughs, and they all did the work - I sat with the boy who does nothing in lessons to make sure he did, and the TA worked with another who struggles.

After year 11 was break, then year 9. What a treat. I was on my own for this lesson, and the kids didn't disappoint. Behaviour was immensely irritating, and the kids did everything they could to push me to the limit. I sent one out for using the N word - I was so not expecting this to come up, and I was a little flummoxed when he said it. I need to remember to kick up a proper stink about it tomorrow, to make sure that they know never to use it in front of me again, if at all. We got through most of the work, but it wasn't brilliant.

After lunch I had year 10, and I was pretty happy with them. The lesson was a little rubbish, as I didn't really have a plan but was working off the resources put together by a colleague. I started the lesson by reading out a note I'd found in one of the girl's folders that had been written during the lesson - something about guys they fancied - which was amusing. They mostly got through the work - although were pissed off that I still haven't marked their books - and were generally very nice.

Finally, I had year 8. I was relieved to be able to remove two of the trickiest pupils so they could be moved sets - thank god. They didn't kick up a fuss, knowing they were being moved up, but the rest of the kids were angsty and lots wouldn't sit where I'd asked them, so I need to change the seating plan. I had them working in groups, but I know not to try it again with them, as they were obnoxious and refused to do it, and I had to send out a girl when she slapped a boy. Thing was, I could see they were griping at each other and it was escalating, despite what warnings I'd thrown at them. I should have moved them far away from each other, but as I didn't they started pushing each other and C ended up slapping the boy. I sent her out and yelled at her - she left a mark - and kept them both afterwards. "He hit me first" was her defence. I couldn't really say much to that, so sent them home and reported it on Sims. I decided I should call her mother, as is the custom, and so did so. However, I should have been a little more prepared for her reaction, because it took me by surprise.

One of the things I hate about this job is when people make me feel stupid, and about a minute into that call C's mother managed to do so with aplomb. I reeled off the situation, that her daughter was taken out for slapping someone, and I'd be passing it on to her head of year. She stopped me - and asked what did the boy say to her daughter. I replied that I didn't know; all she said was that he hit her first and I didn't see it. She reiterated her point: he must have said something to upset her. I admitted I didn't know - and she said "What, you didn't ask her why?"
I went cold. Did I? I must have done. All I could think was that she said "he hit me first" and that was it, apart from that cocky smirk she carries off so well. The boy was equally quiet. I felt like a twat now: why didn't I question the argument? I had assumed it was just the pair of them arguing over something stupid - all the kids in that group insult each other from time to time and ignore me when I tell them not to - so I didn't think to ask for a reason.
C's mother, obviously dissatisfied with this response, or my squirming down the phone, told me "that she didn't think I handled that very well" if I didn't ask what the boy said, and she was looking out for her daughter - her little girl - who must have been upset by the boy to have hit him. I didn't know what to say at this point. I meekly said I would speak to C and the boy tomorrow, and talk to their tutor to sort it out. She asked what my name was - presumably to make a complaint - and I hung up the phone feeling absolutely awful. How did one stupid phone call reveal all my inexperience and insecurity as a teacher?

I stomped home feeling utterly disconsolate, and thought about jumping under a car. I really really have hated the past couple of weeks of school, and this year 8 class just compound all of that negative feeling. Whatever minor successes I feel during the day just seem thrown out the window as soon as something shit happens. I feel like I've been slapped in the face.

Day 51: A little bit miserable, actually

Mondays in Week 1 (of our 2-week timetable) are a gift. Not as good as my Fridays, but they are pretty fab as I have two lessons, first and last, and it's year 7 and year 11 respectively. Got in and year 7 were up first. The lesson was a little tricky, and I was worried about it. I was right to be, as the kids were confused, but on the bright side I made a point of checking the learning objectives at the end and could clearly see that most of them felt they didn't understand the brief. Oh well.

After that I was free until last period, so I set about sorting out my year 11 lesson, and other admin things. I managed to waste more time that I realised, and, before I knew it it was last lesson and they were there. One of my boys tried to get in a fight with a boy who had been "cussing him on facebook" which was awkward, and I realised how powerless I was to do anything - they ignored my calls and had the head of year 11 not stepped in I'm not sure what would have happened. The lesson itself went a bit awry, as I decided to show them a video to start which was really cool, and they seemed to get it (Sun City by the Artist United Against Apartheid) but they spent so long on the starter that we didn't get very far into the lesson itself. Oh well, saves on planning for tomorrow. I finally pinned down one of the boys who owes me coursework, and having marked his book (finally) I could see that he'd done NO work all term. Like, literally all he'd written in was the LO every day. I was concerned that his English was too weak, but conversationally he wasn't too bad, and seemed able to understand me so I'm not sure what I can do to make him work. Something to think about.

I ended up staying for ages after school finished, first for the Teach First training, and then to mark books and FINALLY book my key skills tests - hurrah! I got home around 7 and realised that I'd have to spend all evening planning for tomorrow. Gutted. Best get going with it. I'm feeling so tired right now, and have a busy day tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to at all. Years 8 and 9 - although infamous D has been excluded for the comments he made to the TA, and is facing permanent exclusion which is a little sad but unsurprising. My year 9 class are dropping like flies - and I received the good news today that we're definitely losing two of the difficult children out of year 8 too. I hope it gets better now.

Day 50: Another lazy Friday

What a treat! I am already pretty lucky with my Fridays, as I always get the afternoon off. I was once again blessed with my year 10s having an exam after my lesson, so I was going to let them revise once again - although only for half the lesson, mind.

I started the day with a meeting with my mentor, and had stayed up until 1am Thursday night to get my journal up to date. It's been a constant source of embarrassment and irritation that it is so out of date, and I'd put off showing it to anyone in ages because of it. Every week I'd done the same old, "I'll do it this weekend" and every week I'd forget and make a new excuse. I sound like one of my students. Anyway, I decided that I couldn't bear to go through the same ritual again with my mentor, and was determined to sort it. So, I did. Propped up in bed, I managed to fill it in like a mother bitch, and apart from a few "weekly reflections" I got it smack up to date. Winner! My meeting was pretty successful, in as much as my mentor went through the whole thing and signed most of it off. Thank the lord!

Year 10 were next, and I let them revise for their science test, but only after 20 minutes' worth of work on their English coursework. They were fairly compliant, and I was a little flattered to have one of them (the one who had emailed me over half term with her coursework, and whom I had recommended to my HoD for an award for excellent effort on her coursework) told me that I was her favourite teacher. Well, she did add that I was her favourite teacher until I refused to let her sit next to one of the boys. Shame. They were pretty good, as a class, although I was embarrassed that I still hadn't managed to mark their coursework or their books, and they were beginning to get a little shirty.

Anyway, after them were year 7, and I actually had a fabulous lesson. I tried putting in as much enthusiasm and "passion" as my professional mentor had recommended, and I really enjoyed myself. Not sure if the kids did, but still. We got through the lesson, they understood and did the tasks, and we even got to the plenary. Hurrah!

After that I was finished, and spent the afternoon *not* marking, despite having drawn up a marking timetable, but washing up and sorting out the communal cupboard in the English office. It made me feel better, anyway.

Finally, the week was finished, and I ran down to the pub, and celebrated another week down - and a cigarette-free one at that.

Day 49: You know you're tired when...

... you start crying when your professional mentor says "That's not a lesson plan." Well, she was right. I was getting feedback from my professional mentor for the year 7 lesson she'd observed two days previously, and after I'd remembered what I'd actually taught that lesson, she attacked, in the friendliest way possible, the fact that I'd just used the lesson plan from the scheme, despite the fact that I didn't really do part of it properly. Oops.

Anyway, feedback over I had two hours before my first lesson of the day, and so spent that time putting together a super lesson plan/context sheet for each class I teach, as I was supposed to have done ages ago. Plans sorted, I finished up some ideas for my year 10 lessons and got to it.

My year 10s were in a buoyant mood, and I joined in with it. This mood started when a couple of girls asked if I was going out with my colleague, which made me laugh out loud. Anyway, the lesson was a little bitty, but ok, and I went off an a tangent about the crusades, and they were actually listening in, intently. Hilarious. They also said I was like my colleague who taught them last year, as he also used to talk about "tangents". They asked me if I always wanted to be a teacher, and I answered honestly that I wanted to be a writer, but I've wanted to be a teacher for the past few years. They asked if I'd written anything, and I said not yet, then one of my little madams said something along the lines of "Aw, Miss, if you wrote about me I would laaaaaaaarf!" which was funnier at the time.

After lunch I had a free, and I spent it revising my year 9 lesson with my colleague and mooching about the place, as my classroom was in use. I overheard the head of year 11, and fellow English teacher, telling off a particularly unpleasant girl in the corridor - year 8, naturally. One of my favourite of his lines - "If you kiss your teeth again you'll be kissing them in another school." The whole teeth kissing thing is rather amusing to me. Culturally, it means nothing to me. It reminds me of irritable women on buses in Camberwell, or my old colleague at my last job whenever someone upset her, so when the kids do it to me I don't really register, but apparently I should be really offended. I hardly even notice it to be honest.

Year 9 came in, and again there were hardly any of them. One of the kids, D, tried to hug me when he turned up, and I laughed it off at the time. The lesson was a little dry, although I tried to give them an active activity but it didn't really work, and reading the play was dry. It was rather disturbing that, by the end of the lesson, I wrote up D's red report (which is the report card they get after an exclusion - basically means they have to have every teacher sign it off and have it checked three times a day by their head of year) and I was just giving him a good report and congratulating him on working so hard, although calling out, when my colleague who team teaches with me asked him to stay behind. I wasn't sure what I missed, so was a little confused, but it turns out that D has made a rather inappropriate and, frankly obscene comment to the TA who I had sat him near. I was pretty disgusted by it, and I suppose that, seeing as he was excluded for making inappropriate remarks to staff, he hasn't really got a grasp of boundaries. I'm not sure what to make of it all, but it's out of my hands now really.

After that little bombshell, we had a departmental training session for the second exam in the English language paper, with someone from "Education London" which was quite interesting, and hopefully will be useful. The one thing I will be taking from the session was the portmanteau "Blinguistic" - that is, the use of attractive and elaborate linguistic devices. Cool, eh?

Day 48: Better

I've been asked a few times now how today has gone, especially in relation to yesterday. I can definitely say it's been better.

Despite oversleeping and getting into work in a bit of a muddle, then getting distracted when I was preparing my resources, forgetting some and so forth, the day began quite well.

I had year 7 to start, and made the major fuck up of setting the plenary (to be done at the end of the lesson) as the starter by mistake. Whoops. This meant that the lesson began with something that was actually quite tricky, and I was without an end to the lesson - not good. I managed to think on my feet and set them a rather lame "draw Beowulf!" task which they took to with aplomb.

After year 7 was year 9, and there were only about 8 kids in the class today. They were rather irritating, regardless, and you'd think that with so few kids and 3 (yes, 3) teachers in the class they'd get sufficient attention, but my colleague had to take 2 out for being utterly ridiculous. One of the boys seems to have no boundaries, and tried to hug me when he came in the room, then called me "love". Very irritating. The lesson was a bit of a wash out but I got through the material.

After break I had year 11, and we were talking about apartheid, which was interesting (more so for me than for them) and they were supposed to be coming up with rules for a segregated town but they were a little chatty and annoying instead. Ah well. I did find out that one of the boys struggles far more than I realised before, which means that I need to providing much more support, on top of simplified work for the whole class.

My last lesson was year 10, and I spent the rest of the day preparing for it. The lesson itself went ok, we didn't get a lot covered, but they got going on their work and most contributed to the lesson in a positive way. They are currently my favourite class, and it's nice to have a group I have fun with.

Overall, the day was ok, and I was relieved to have gotten over the "hump" of the week. The only thing that's really getting me down, apart from the kids, is the fact that since I've not been smoking, I feel really left out from the little group I was getting to know. I suppose my lungs are worth the anti-social state I've imposed on myself.

Day 47: Don't push me coz I'm close to the edge...

I'm trying not to lose my head. Ah huh huh ha. Or something. As my facebook status, er, states: I am teetering between fury and despair. I have not felt this pissed off in quite some time, I can actually taste the bile.

Where did this come from? At first, I thought it was just year 8. They were unpleasant as always, and I sent out X within 5 minutes for being incredibly insolent and rude to me. She refused to come away from the window (and was stood with her head out of it), refused to sit down (in the most insidious passive aggressive way possible - "I'm coming, I'm just hot") and then made an incredibly snide remark about me "I just asked her to open the window, you'd think she had to go downstairs to ask permission or somethink.") This was at the start of what was a difficult lesson, compounded by a worksheet which was far too difficult for the kids and, admittedly, myself to understand, let alone complete. There was so much chatter, talking back and general rowdiness that I kept the whole group back for ten minutes, and asked my poor mentor, the HoD, to come and yell at them. He was pretty good, and after he took N off (who was also rude to him) I let them go one at a time, explaining to the remaining few my expectations of them for future lessons. I'm sure it went in one ear and out the other, but I'm glad that my mentor has seen them, and will now hopefully take at least two of them out - the group of disruptive children is too big and dominates the class.

I was pretty pissed off about the lesson generally, when my colleague with whom I share the class joined me at the end and told me that she'd spoken to X in the corridor and she'd heard her side of the story, which was that I "hate her" (ha) had picked on her, tried to close her fingers in the window (I had shut it when she refused to sit down, as all the kids were sticking their heads out of it) and general other things that I'd done. This pushed me over the edge, and I couldn't stop the tears.

I went back to the staffroom, was made a cup of tea and given a hug by a compassionate colleague, and resolved to leave early and do the work from home. I stopped off at my room to inexplicably rearrange my furniture based on an article I read, and so when I left it was quarter to five. However, on my way out the door I ran into my LDO from Teachy Firsty, who reminded me that we have training today. I have to attend at least 3 of these sessions as part of my training so I had to go really. Two 1/2 hours later I left and was even more irritated by the lack of buses, so by the time I got home I was fuming.

I feel run down, tired and pissed off with this whole thing. Why am I doing this? For whose benefit? Mine? Because right now all I seem to be getting out of it is stress. The kids are getting shit lessons and a pissed off teacher, and frankly we don't seem to be enjoying each others' company. I thought I was only pissed off because of year 8, but actually, all my classes were irritating today to the extreme. They were all chatty and unresponsive and exceedingly infuriating. I wonder how much of this is their behaviour and how much is my combination of PMT and nicotine withdrawal, but either way, I'm fed up with the whole sorry charade.

Day 46: Running out of synonyms for "tired"

First things first - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! I'm not sure if you'll even read this before tomorrow, but I hope if you do then you're having a lovely birthday.

Down to business. I was doing a little maths today. Please humour me.

2: days since I've had a cigarette (I am determined to quit.)
2: weeks till payday (Oh god!)
2.5: months that I have been a teacher
5: weeks till the end of term.
15: children left in my year 9 class (Thank you HIP!)
135: lessons (approx.) that I have taught.

Scary stuff, non?

Today was interesting. Well, not really. I started with first period off, and busied myself sorting out my first lesson, adding various aspects, planning others. First up were year 8, and I was being observed by a colleague who is part of the training team for us teachy firstys. I was a bit nervous, mainly because the group stress me out so much. They turned up, eventually, and I got going with the lesson. The worst student (the one who hates me) was mercifully absent, but the new boy did turn up, although I wasn't expecting him to. They did get through the work, and the behaviour wasn't atrocious, although I did send out one girl who was being obnoxious.
The feedback after the lesson was fair and nice, actually (although I still cried, embarrassingly enough.) She pointed out some things I was aware of: I need to have a starter ready to go on the board on or their desks, rather than wait for them to get ready. This will be sorted for tomorrow. I also need to make the lessons more active, and she gave me some good advice for reading with the group.

After break was year 7, who came in to the room to the sound of Bonnie Tyler's Holding out for a Hero, and me dancing. This was fun, but admittedly a mistake, as they were all a little excitable after. I told a few off, which worked at taking them down a peg or two. The lesson was ok, and we got through most of the work, but as I made up something for them to do, which I should have saved to the end, we didn't get through all the reading so will have to finish it tomorrow (when I am being observed. Eep.)

After lunch I had year 9, and was quite delighted to see so few of them. They're a tough group, and I had to tell off a kid (who looks about 30) for calling me "darling".
"Don't call me that"
"Why not? I call loads of people darling."
"It's not appropriate."
"What does that mean? Man, I hate that word. People always say that to me."
"Funny that."
Again, we got through the work, a little quicker than expected, as I tried to simplify it for them, and they shot through it, unsurprisingly. I ended up showing them the video they'd already watched - pretending that we were going to watch something else but I couldn't find it. Ha!

Finally, I had year 11. I told the boys (we've lost one from this group too, as I've moved him up a set) that I'd just quit smoking so was easily aggravated, although they seemed to ignore this towards the end of the lesson and just pissed me right off. Someone's phone kept going off, which was irritating, and they weren't really paying the short story as much attention as I would have liked. Ah well, I'll have to try harder tomorrow.

And so, after some more Teachy Firsty Monday evening training, I came home, after a visit to the classy new Iceland, and have mooched in front of the TV as I'm feeling a bit run down, if I'm honest. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Ciao. x

Days 44 and 45: Relentless

The problem with living for the weekend is twofold. One: the rest of the week tends to melt into one big pile of horribleness. Two: the weekend itself goes bloody quickly. As I look back over the last two working days of this week, both points are evident.

Thursday started off as always. I have been managing to get in around 7.30 for the past few days which is pretty good, considering how dark it's getting in the mornings, and how little I've been sleeping. I had year 9 to start, and seemed to have lost half the kids along the way. They were unruly, although we got through the text, and I was impressed that they seemed to understand what was going on. It is the Tempest, after all. The behaviour descended into chaos after a while, but I suppose that was my fault for not being strict enough with them, and so I was somewhat pleased to read an email today telling me that three of the students from that class are going to be sent to the HIP, which means they'll be out of my lessons for at least a few weeks.

Afterwards were year 10, and I actually can't remember what we did, although I think it was writing the introductions to their coursework. That's a good sign, isn't it? I do remember I was sat on my desk and I knocked over a glass of water with my butt, which was funny. I should take it as a sign that they must like me that we laughed it off and I sent off a kid to get some tissue to wipe it up. I also managed to get them back on task after (if only I could remember what it was...)

I was then free until last lesson; again I can't remember what I did but last lesson was year 7 and it was, as far as I can remember, a good lesson. The kids are getting a little cocky, which I'm finding a little difficult because I want to get on with them but I've turned into an evil stepmother character at the moment to stop them acting up. I'm not sure what else I can do but I've got them tomorrow so I'll be able to stamp my authority on them.

After work I relaxed, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn't be teaching the next day. Instead of planning I baked cupcakes and decorated them by writing out the names of my colleagues on it. I found out at 8am the next morning that this wasn't as cute as I'd thought, when every colleague bar one made fun of me for being sad. Tears.

Friday morning, after the cupcake insults, I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. I had only two lessons, as with every Friday, and wasn't going to teach either. "BUT WHY!?" I hear you shout. I'll tell you.

First up were year 10, who had an exam the next lesson. Rather than overload their brains with extra English stuff, I gave them the option - write their introductions, or revise for their maths exam. They were pleased with the option, and all but one got down to it. A few of them were off-task, but it went quite well, and I know that on the whole I can trust them to work off their own back.

My second lesson of the day, after a lesson off, was year 7, and we were booked for the library, so I was going to let the lovely librarian teach them for me! They were also a little feisty and again gave me cause for concern. One boy apparently tried to skive the lesson, but we ran into him on the way, and I had a stern word outside the library, which resulted in me taking him back to my classroom after the lesson for a 5 minute detention. I asked him if he'd been skiving other lessons - apparently so. Not impressed. What was a bit of a cause for celebration, and one which I've repeated several times now, was that when he was sat in my room and I was talking to him, another boy ran past and shouted "WASTEMAN" at him. I got up and managed to get him to sit in my classroom himself for 5 minutes and, eventually, apologise for being so rude. WIN!

The rest of the day was wasted by myself, if I'm honest, and I'm a little bit annoyed that I passed up a great opportunity to plan Monday's lessons but, ah well.

Friday finished, and I was down the pub. I've actually run out of money now, and as there are two weeks till I get paid, I won't be going back for the ritual until December. On the money note, I've actually decided to stop smoking as, if for no other reason, I'm spending at least 25 quid a week on it, and that's just silly.

I can't believe I've only got 5 weeks left of term, and it's half way through November already. I only hope the rest of the term goes as quickly.

Days 42 and 43: Fatigued

To every teacher I've ever had,

Please accept my apologies. For everything. For every note I passed in class. For ever asinine offhand comment I made to be funny, or worse, controversial. For every time I was off-task because I wanted to chat to my friends. For every time I had to be asked to return to my seat, to stop swearing, to "be calme". For every poem I wrote which ridiculed you in some way. For distracting anyone within a 3 metre radius because I was bored. For every time I didn't listen and had to ask what I was supposed to be doing (I still do this now.) For every time I refused to join in the lesson and sat at the side of the gym sulking or sometimes crying. For the obscene things I used to do in music lessons. For every time I answered you back. For every time I said you were a crap teacher. For every lesson I said was boring. For thinking you had it easy. For thinking I was always funny. And right.

I am so so sorry.

Tuesday and Wednesday seemed to melt into one. I'm not sure where one ended and t'other began, but I'll start with Tuesday morning. I took a leave of absence to attend an occupational health appointment, thinking it was going to be a medical, and was somewhat irritated to find that it was in fact a 10 minute conversation about my knee injury and whether or not I have any "limitations" as a result. I don't. "Then you're good to work!" the miserable woman told me. Great.

I got into school midway though my year 9 lesson, but couldn't bring myself to take over the class, so ended up planning what I would do for my year 8 lesson. This was a good thing, as I ended up having to rearrange my plan as I hadn't spoken to my colleague with whom I share the class and therefore the lesson I had prepared was too far ahead.

I had stayed up till 2 marking the year 10 coursework the night before, ready to give it back to my year 10 class. I had given some scores back - 1 A* so far, although wasn't entirely confident in my ability to mark properly, so should have asked someone to read through them with me before I set about giving them out. As it turned out, one girl (Turkish madam #1) had been given an admittedly low mark of an E, which at 2am seemed fair, but in the cold light of day, and under her deathly stare, I realised was probably wrong. I did have my mentor check it, and he pushed her grade up 6 points to a D. Oops. The rest of the year 10 class were pretty happy with what they got, although I did get another couple checked by my mentor to make sure, and most were pushed up a bit. Overall, I was pretty impressed with the quality of the work. I gave out at least 3 A* (I think I may have been too generous with 2 of them) and lots of As, Bs and Cs, plus a few Ds.

After year 10 filed out I had year 8. I had been dreading this group, and rightly so. They were little bastards. The behaviour is shocking, and their attitude to me just completely overwhelms me. They are so rude. Not all of them, in fact some are quite sweet, but the small group have just completely ground me down. I kept them all back 5 minutes because they took so long to shut up, and kept three back longer to chat to, one of whom was so so rude to me and as she left she called down the corridor something along the lines of "I hate you miss and that class and I'm not coming back..."
Amusingly, I am trying to have her moved, so as she's been told as much (well, that she's being moved up a set) she obviously doesn't care anymore. Vile. Of course, it's my fault for not being stern enough, and not doling out the warnings when they speak to me like that. I guess I'm just so taken aback by them that it catches me unawares.

So that was Tuesday. Today I had three lessons, and was being observed in lesson 2 by my tutor. I was relieved to have my colleague in with me for year 9 first thing, although I feel under extra scrutiny in the class, as I'm not really connecting with the work we're doing so I feel a little crap at explaining stuff to the group, who were on the whole quite good today. I'm still not sure what I'm doing with them.

After year 9 was year 11, and they were really good, actually, apart from one of them who left the class early, but that's not the point. We were going to do Dulce and Decorum Est, which was a coincidence considering it's remembrance day. I showed them a video of trench warfare, we talked about world war 1, and most of them were able to do the work set, which was nice. The feedback I received from my tutor was, on the whole, positive, although she gave me lots of great pointers and advice. I was really pleased with some of the guys in the group, as they came out with some great stuff. The whole group also observed the two minute silence impeccably, which was nice to see.

I had a break, then year 10. I decided, last minute, to do a research lesson, which was lucky, as I wasn't sure what to do really and the kids were super excited to be using laptops. A few of them took the piss but I wasn't really that bothered - it was last lesson. I gave the girl her new mark, and she was pretty gracious about the whole thing, which was nice of her. I doubt I would have been.

After school I went to a college meeting, which was interesting, and I found out that one of my year 11s has been placed on the "could get a C so work hard on him" list, which I found a little disturbing. He's definitely a bright one, but I feel a little overwhelmed at the prospect.

All in all, a longish couple of days. I have so much work I need to catch up on, which is stressing me out, but at least we're over the "hump" now and I'm going home on Saturday, so am thinking mainly about that. I might drive past my old school and leave a bunch of flowers. You know, to say thanks.

Day 41: Back to the Grindstone

What happened to the rest of last week? Good question. Long story short, the rest of the week went really quickly, with buckets of stress, tears, and irritation. The weekend was spent lazing around the not doing *any* work, which brings me to today.

I went to school with one lesson prepared, as it was being observed, and one lesson to prepare for, as well as a bunch of marking to finish off. The morning was a little irritating, as I found out that half of my kids were going to be on a trip (actually, it was only 6 out of 22, but that's almost a third) so I rearranged my observation and thought up a hasty lesson plan for them (poetry) and got on with the lesson. My year 7s have been a little cocky lately, so I rearranged their seating plan and started with the warnings. The lesson went quite well, although the kids needing support didn't really get enough from me, so I need to think of how to support them during the lesson. I got a poem out of everyone, including one from the crying boy whose poem was on the subject of school, and was something along the lines of "don't go to school, school is the worst, all the teachers want is money money money." I passed it to his form tutor who found it rather amusing.

After year 7 I was free until last lesson, so I set about preparing for them. I was going to do a poem with them today, so managed to spent a huuuge amount of time sorting out the lesson. I was quite pleased with the plan I put together, with the help of a colleague, and the discover of "wordle.net". I was going through my Canterbury resources and remembered I'd attended a poetry workshop, ironically run by my colleague, and wanted to look up a word cloud. I managed to make one for the poem - it's basically a way of putting the words from a poem or any text into a picture - hard to explain so here's an example of Journey's Don't Stop Believin'.



I found out about this time that I was supposed to have an occupational health appointment tomorrow - oops. I had to sort out cover for my first two lessons, and spent a good while running around like a headless chicken.

Eventually year 11 turned up, and they were in pretty good spirits. I realised that I haven't actually taught poetry yet, so was pretty nervous about it, but I think it went well enough - they seemed to get what the poem was about anyway.

After school I had to go to a very long meeting about lesson objectives/outcomes, and ended up staying at school till 7. Which sucked.

I think I'm just so so tired at the moment, and fed up. I have to prepare two lessons for tomorrow and mark the rest of my coursework, but at least I get a lie in. Thank you occupational health!

Day 37: Horrible

Today was horrible. I can't be bothered to write it up, but suffice to say I had year 9 followed by year 8 and both were hideous. I cried.

I have just had a delicious curry with free poppadom, daal and bombay potatoes, with free home delivery, and I feel so much better.

Unfortunately I'm going to spend the next 4 hours planning for tomorrow. ARGH!

Day 36: Back to Black

After a week off, it was never going to be easy making it back in to school. As one colleague noted, you get used to spending time with people who are nice to you, and so getting back to school is a bit of a culture shock.

I managed to get in pretty early and got straight to work sorting out photocopying and such like, panicking when I realised I couldn't find some of the stuff I needed and then panicking more when I saw a note on the board to say that the year 11 scheme wasn't ready and I should do some poetry instead (argh!)

I was feeling pretty stressed, to put it mildly. Luckily I had period 1 off so could rush around and sort out the final pieces. I had year 8 second period and i wasn't looking forward to them at all.

As it happened, they were horrible. I was stressing at first that I was doing a new scheme of work - Macbeth - and I wasn't confident about teaching it. I'm aware that Shakespeare can be very dull and I didn't want to make it so. A new boy turned up that had been transferred into my class for, as it turned out, bullying and extortion or something similarly horrific. He's a big lad, and OF COURSE is friends with my gang of outlaws, and I sent him out pretty sharpish because he was being unbearable: he wouldn't sit where I told him to, then wouldn't sit down when he finally agreed to go there, then turned around and chatted to the people behind him. He initially refused to go to the behaviour rota classroom, but I managed to get him to go. I returned to the class who were pissing me off so much I tried to make them work in silence but of course the little gang were obnoxious so I got all flustered and yelled "I SAID IN SILENCE!" which was a little uncool. I had found a rap of Macbeth to play them, which I did at the end, but otherwise I stuck to the rather dull scheme. I only have them one more time this week (tomorrow) so I'll relax after that. I don't know what to do about them. The girls are so rude to me, the boys are disruptive, and I just don't know what to do.

After that hilarity I began to panic about year 9 after the break, so set up the classroom then headed out for a cigarette. I was DELIGHTED to hear that I was confused; they were going to be after lunch and so I had year 7 next. Not only that, but the whole of year 9 were going to be watching an anti-homophobic bullying play so I wouldn't have to teach, although I would have to sit with them. More on that later.

Year 7 turned up and it was a little confuddled because I had to sort out the classroom but luckily two of my kids offered to help give out folders. We got the lesson going, and I had a new girl join - she was in the year 7 transition group so I sat her next to an able girl. Unfortunately I was interrupted several times as the year 7 class had had maths in period 1 and the teacher's mobile was stolen. What it was doing out in the classroom, I have no idea, but the pupils were taken out one at a time and questioned, then they had to empty their bags and pockets onto their desks. We had some peace for a bit, but then in the last 20 minutes the school's PC turned up and yelled at them, saying that if someone in the class didn't own up they'd all be sent home. The lesson was a bit of a write off, as the kids couldn't talk about anything else, and were upset at being accused, but I added fuel to the fire with my "evil prevails when good men do nothing" speech which even I didn't buy. As they left I asked one to stay behind to explain that, as horrible as the situation was (I think he was suspect #1) as long as he was honest and didn't take it personally it would be fine.

Anyway, I had lunch next, and managed a mouthful or so of my pasta then went to sort out my year 11 lesson - I decided to go over the unseen non-fiction they'd struggled with and answer it as a group. At the end of lunch my colleague came in for a little pep talk, which was much appreciated. I was still feeling pretty stressed about the whole thing so I really felt better after a little positive reinforcement.

Year 9 turned up and we lined them up and registered them, then I took them down to wait outside the theatre. I felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop when the fire drill happens the first time and he exits the building with screaming kids slung over his shoulders to find the rest of the school quietly lined up in silence. Well, it wasn't that bad, but my kids were definitely the rowdiest. We were eventually called in the kids sat down. I ended up sitting next to A, with whom I have a strange relationship that consists of me shushing him like a nagging aunt. He does respond though, so it's good to have that at least. I actually am developing a soft spot for the little guy. The play was quite good, but it was a bit embarrassing when one of the characters revealed she was a lesbian and "lost her virginity to a girl" because all the kids went "EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!" Another amusing part was when they were in the locker room and the male actors were topless - one of them was well-endowed in the pectoral region and so a girl in front of me screamed "MAN BOOBS!" which made me laugh as well as the rest of the kids. I left before the end to get to my lesson in time for year 11, and so missed the lesbian kiss apparently. Shame. Apparently the kids asked sensible questions at the end, which was nice to hear.

Year 11 crawled in, and I basically said to them that I too was tired and fed up, so if we got through the work together we could watch whatever they wanted on youtube. We had a nice lesson actually, reading through the passage again and I stopped to question for understanding, looking up photos on google images to show them tripe, haddock and saffron, among other things. We constructed the answer together, with me typing, so I hope it was useful. We'll finish it tomorrow. As it happens, the video requested on youtube was some awful crazy-frog inspired gummy bear song which was terrible.

I stayed behind till 7 to sort out photocopying for tomorrow, not wanting the same mad rush in the morning, and came home to some tasty soup.

I know I was feeling more positive at the end of half term, so I am pretty gutted to feel crappy again, and to know that there's 34 working days left till the next break, but I ain't going nowhere. Well, don't quote me on that.

Day 35: Half Term

What can I say? It's half-bloody term! I never knew how sweet a week off could be.

Day 34: So near, and yet so far...

If I was starting to wind down yesterday, today I was picking myself off the floor. I guess it gets to the end of term and everyone is just pushing themselves to make it to the final whistle.

I managed to oversleep again today (it's like being back in uni) and didn't therefore manage to get in at 7 like I'd planned so I could mark my year 10 work. I got in with enough time to sort out my year 9 lesson and have a banana.

Year 9s piled in and I was surprised to be presented with a full class for the first time. My plan for the lesson was pretty lame: finish the book and watch the end of the film. To cut a long story short, we only managed the latter (we were 3 pages away...) but it was successful in as much as the kids managed to stay in the room, and even little A read out loud. Bless him. He is trying so so hard to be good, so I'm determined to encourage him positively as much as I can. I called his mum's mobile (eventually) and left a message about how pleased I am with his effort.

Straight after year 9 was year 10, and I was a little stressed by the neediness. I had to give them a speech at the start about NOT copying from the internet, as two of them had already attempted. I basically gave them the hour to work at their coursework, and for the most part they did, with constant chimes of "MISS!"... "MISS!"... "MISS CAN YOU READ THIS...?"
I was delighted to read two pieces which were definitely A* material, or very close to it, which was fabulous to read. Go team! ("Miss, who's Gotim?")

I was free until last period, and spent most of that time going over year 10 coursework and prepping for year 7.

My year 10s turned up at lunchtime but I'd dilly-dallied and hadn't marked their work so had to do it and find them in their next lesson. Oops.

Year 7 were last, and they were being given an assessment, which was nice and peaceful. After they finished we played "STOP THE BUS!" which was fun, and another excuse to give them chocolate. Hurrah!

And so one day left to the end of half term. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!

Unfortunately I just remembered that I'm being observed tomorrow for my year 7 class, so I should perhaps do something a little more original than just follow the lesson plan. Oh well.

Day 33: It's not Friday yet...

...although my brain is having difficulty accepting that.

I've begun to mentally and physically shut down. I'm so close to the end that I don't really care much about the rest of the week. 2 days. 5 lessons. Then a whole, beautiful week off. Oh lordy, it will be fabulous!

SO the day. Well, goes without saying that it was ridiculously hard to get out of bed this morning; I rely heavily on my snooze alarm which makes it far too easy to oversleep. I'm going to go to bed reeeeally early today to make up for it.

Anyway, got to work, and was presented with year 9 first thing. I had brought in my bag of fun sized chocolate bars and used them (successfully, I might add) as a bribing tool to get the kids through the MILLION pages we had to read today. They got pretty restless towards the end, which was a shame, but they got into the questions I asked them as there were chocolatey rewards.

After year 9 were year 11, and I really buggered up that lesson. I was giving them the paper 2, with the hope that they could have a go at the first question (unseen non-fiction) but to be honest, they had no idea. I should have gone through it, exactly how I would have answered it, and done it as a group. I didn't, I read through the questions and left it to them, and it was a bit of a washout. I will need to think carefully about how to do it again next term.

I was free until year 10 last lesson, so sorted out various things, including that lesson, and had to babysit a year 7 who was sent out his lesson. Year 10 turned up, and I ran through a lesson on irony. The kids were SO needy it was crazy. I had a constant barrage of "MISS!" and queues of them asking me to mark their work. I'll be glad when the work is in. The bell caught me off guard; the kids were in the middle of writing, and they all packed up and left, although a few stayed to ask me about a few questions.

I'm so happy tomorrow is Thursday, because then it's nearly Friday. I CANNOT wait for Friday.

Day 32: What would Plato have to say about this?

What a day. I'm pretty exhausted right now; I've been home for an hour or so and I'm considering going straight to bed. Even Gok Wan can't keep me up right now.

Anyway, one of the reasons I came back to the house late was because we had a special meeting after school. All the staff were invited to go, including admin and other non-teaching staff, and the head had not given away any reason. Mysterious. I will explain the reason later, but suffice to say there was speculation floating around the department as to the exact nature of the secret meeting.

Last night I couldn't sleep. In fact, it was the worst night's sleep I'd had since the start of term. I was thinking through all the lessons I'd be having today (4) and what to do about them. I also couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I was being observed by someone from London Challenge with my year 11s.

Anyway, I overslept but managed to get on a bus and get in by 8.15 which wasn't too bad, and had first lesson off to sort myself out. The nerves were beginning to get to me, which I hate! Year 11 came, and I'd set up the lesson, which plenty of AFL (or so I thought) and a bit of Lilac-inspired active learning. Of course, that didn't really work out, but the guys got into their groups and I explained what was going to happen. As the inspector/observer guy turned up I started watching the groups perform one at a time. The first boys were actually great. They really got into it, and I'll be sure to give them some good marks tomorrow when I get around to sorting out the scores. The observer gave me feedback, which was constructive and mostly positive, so I was quite pleased.

After break I had year 9, and I was a little worried, although I'd planned to just do a quick starter and then watch the film. Behaviour was... interesting. The boys (and it is always the boys) took ages to settle down, although I eventually got the film on which I didn't finish, and I had to pause it at one point to yell at a couple of boys whom I kept behind to tell off. I also confiscated a bag, a can of Charlie Pink spray and a mobile phone. Meh.

Then after lunch was year 10. I basically set them the coursework to do, and let them get on with it, while I marked and checked various pieces of work. I was in a bit of a state when a boy handed me a 5-page piece which was almost entirely plagiarised. I read it several times, then took him outside to ask him about it. I ended up telling him to rewrite the whole thing from the start. What a shame. There had been some sort of fight (not in my classroom) and one of the girls turned up late with an icepack on her head. I didn't ask.

I was a little fed up with that class, but was more worried about year 8, who were next. My colleague waited in the corridor as they came in, presumably because I took so long to bring them in as I was sorting out the room from year 10, and they took aaages to settle. I read them three chapters, doing some ridiculous maid-from-Tom-and-Jerry voices to spice it up a bit, and then we watched the film. Their behaviour was still pretty rubbish. meh.

I went for a quick cigarette with colleagues and we speculated about the meeting we'd be having at half 3. We'd received a mysterious email from the head, which didn't detail the reason for the all-staff meeting. Several theories were passed around, and it was interesting to look back and think someone was right.

As it turned out, we had to wait 20 minutes for the "guest" to arrive, who was a bloke from the council. Their was another governor too, and with the head they proceeded to tell us that the school is, to cut a VERY long story short, going to become an academy.

Not a shock, really, as the school is quite a way away from government's 30% target for A-C grades, and it had been mentioned before. It would seem that the school is trying to keep ahead of the game, which is pretty clever, but I've got to say, I don't like the whole idea of academies: I've yet to see one, other than the original, that has genuinely succeeded, but the government still insists on throwing them around everywhere. Anyway, maybe I just don't know enough about it. Maybe I'm just tired. Probably that one.

Day 31: 4 days to half term

Monday morning. Once again I ignored my alarm clock for far longer than was sensible, and skulked into work.

Morning briefing, and I still had to print off my stuff for first period. Whoops. I got it all sorted out, and went up to meet year 7. The little darlings. We did a bit of "assessment for learning" whereby I showed them a piece of writing, they analysed it, graded it, and talked about what could be improved. It's impressive to see year 7s grasping concepts that year 9 have difficulty with. I told them that they would be writing a written assessment themselves next lesson and let them plan what they were going to say.

I was then free until year 11 last period. I spent the day preparing their lesson (another speaking and listening task, as they weren't great at the last one) and sorting out other such fun things. I also finally marked the media coursework from the two boys who had stayed after school (one got an E, the other a low D.)

I had my meeting with my mentor in period 4, and was relieved to hear that the advice I had given the year 10s re: finishing their coursework over half term wasn't bad. We also talked at length about Cheryl Cole's performance on X Factor, and eventually the bell went for last period.

Year 11 were somewhat irritating. I set them up in groups for a speaking and listening task based on Carol Ann Duffy's poem Stealing, and hopefully it'll work tomorrow. I'll have to make sure they all speak enough that I can mark them; haven't really worked out how I'll be able to mark them if they're doing it all at once. Anyway, their behaviour was pretty crap. Last lesson is always tricky, especially with this group, and K was being infuriating. I moved him for constantly talking and he was so so insolent to me, eventually running out the door when the bell went. I can't be bothered to detail the crap he was pulling all lesson, but he was being a little bugger and I just couldn't be bothered with him.

I was relieved when the day finished, but now I have only 4 days left - thank god - till half term. HURRAH.

One nice thing that happened was these girls from my year 10 group came to ask me about the coursework - my colleague, who had taught them the year before, asked them if I was good and they were polite enough to say so. How embarrassing. It was sweet though.

Day 30: Is this school called St Crock of Shit?

Friday morning started with panic: I had been put down for cover, the reason being "inset". Having had Wednesday off for training I was somewhat perplexed to see I was supposed to be somewhere else, presumably with my HoD who was away for the day. After some frantic questioning of colleagues, texting HoDs and running to speak to the lord of cover, I found out it was a simple mistake. Phew.

After all that excitement I had first lesson off to prepare for my year 10s. I luckily spoke to my colleague who also teaches top set and was talking about research she had set her top students. She sent me the powerpoint and I was relieved that there was something I could give to the kids who were desperate to do as well as possible. I felt guilty when I found out that most of my colleagues who had year 10s had completed their coursework; it would seem the fact that I'd told my guys they could redraft over half term was a big mistake. I'll have to see how well they do this week.

So period 2 rolled around and Year 10 turned up. I'm actually really beginning to like this group. We went through the powerpoint, I'd printed them off a copy so they could take notes if they wanted, and I told them about the sort of things they needed to research and discuss if they wanted to aim for A*. The majority of the kids really got into it, and we had a great discussion about whether or not Juliet was as innocent as we thought she was. I hope I haven't confused them, but some of them were coming out with some great stuff. I actually said to one of the boys, who was being particularly sharp, "I *love* you today - you're so on the ball!" which didn't embarrass him too much. I managed to make a pigs ear of the actual writing part of the lesson, but as I handed out essay plans to them all a lot were planning on writing it over the weekend. I think we'll definitely have some good work. I waved them off at breaktime and started preparing my classroom for year 7, as they would be reading out their little speeched they'd written about an exciting time in their lives. As I was pulling the chairs into a circle, one of the year 10s stayed behind to ask me for help with her essay. I think I gave a few answers away as I realised she was basically asking me what to write so I told her, although I deflected a few questions with "Well, what do you think?"

A couple of my year 7s turned up early and eagerly volunteered to help set up the room, which I was grateful for. Year 10 girl skipped off with a paper full of notes and the year 7s filed in excitedly; there's nothing like a change of furniture arrangements to thrill a year 7 child! We started with a warm up: they had to swap seats with others with "E" in their names etc. I managed to make this last longer than it should have done (I took time to explain the homework before we started so I wouldn't forget at the end) and I ended up having them stand in the middle and "pretend to be a tree!", "pretend to be a blizzard!" That's always fun.
We finally got to the speeches, although they all just read their books out, which wasn't the idea, but I suppose that was my fault for not modelling and also not really asking them to practice. Oops. A couple of the girls got a bit giggly and I sent one out for laughing when the sweet Polish boy was struggling through his speech about setting fire to a tree. I think she was laughing at something else but I was really annoyed with her and told her off in the corridor. She was up next to read out which was a bit of a shame as I knocked her off kilter a bit, but she did alright. I got a bit bored with the speeches, to be honest, but they were over eventually and we spent the last 10 minutes rearranging the furniture. There was a particularly wide aisle left on one side of the room so a couple of them told me to "do a catwalk" which I did, stopping every few steps to pose. I'm such a show off. The bell went and they went off to lunch. I was finished for the day.

I spent the rest of the afternoon smoking and sorting out paperwork. I was also thinking through what to do with my year 11s speaking and listening. A couple of the kids were so bad at it that I don't want to set that as their marks, so my colleague suggested I spend the last week of half term redoing it with them. I think I will. It doesn't have to be related to the text either, so I'll make something fun up they can do.

After the day finished I was excited to be going to the pub, but I was the only one. My colleague and I got there to find a couple of others, but there was no ritual (my colleague went straight home) and everyone left after one drink. I was pretty gutted, to be honest, so went straight home and was there by 5: the earliest yet.

Luckily when I got home my housemate was there and we had soup, pizza, icecream, wine, and watching movies for the evening. It was a pretty good end to the penultimate week of half term; I can't wait for next Friday.

As I was lying in bed Saturday morning I had an epiphany about smoking. Mainly, the cost. I don't really care too much about the health aspects, what with being sport-free at present, but I realised that if I smoke about 10-15 a day, that's 3-4 packs a week. Which, at £5 a pack, is at least £20 a week. If I plan on getting myself the present I want in March, which is a sizeable investment, I don't see how I can justify spending what I do on fags and booze. I am definitely going to quit at Christmas, if not before (she says before going down for another) because, frankly, what a rip off!

Day 29: I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way...

Kids, eh? Gotta love 'em. I guess that's what this is all about, in the end. The kids. I'll put away my book of cliches and talk about the day.

After yesterday's training which left me cold, for a reason I can't quite fathom, I sloped into school feeling rough and miserable. I felt so tired and blue that I mumbled something non-coherant to all my smoking colleagues aroung The Bin. I realised what it was that was stressing me so: other than the amazing amoung of reading I'm supposed to be doing for my training, I am also supposed to make sure my year 10s have their coursework completed by next week. Not going to happen. Turns out yesterday the cover teacher couldn't find the essay plans I'd left out for them and so most of them did nothing in the lesson. Argh! I was assured by a colleague that lots of people won't get all the work in and I wasn't the only one feeling like that, which made me feel much better. She cheered me up more still by blaring out some X-Factor music during her tutor time and I strutted down the corridor feeling suddenly much better.

I have the first two periods off on a Thursday week 2, so spent them photocopying resources for my year 10s and sorting out my room, and questioning all of my colleagues of the difference between "understanding" and "insight" in relation to GCSE specifications. When period 3 finally arrived I set up the room and welcomed in the year 10s. I apologised to them all for yesterday's debacle, and assured them that we could take longer to do the coursework if needed. Frankly, my inexperience and poor planning shouldn't mean they need to suffer for not meeting the deadline. I just hope my HoD agrees with that sentiment. I bumbled for a bit, as I do, then set them the task: grading three exemplar essays. I photocopied an example of a B and an A* grade to show them. They responded pretty well to the task, and most were able to grade them accurately. Which was good! They were all laughing at the poor quality of the G graded paper (it was pretty tragic) so I took a few minutes to lecture them on being understanding on how difficult some kids find English. Soapbox diatribe over, I assured them we'd be getting to the coursework writing up tomorrow. They seem pretty keen.

I had a free then year 9. I had my colleague in with me, and I'd forgotten that I'd promised the kids we'd watch the movie this afternoon, so they all moaned and bitched. I tried to ignore it, but some of them were being so vile that my colleague took them out to his room to teach them separately. I think they actually enjoyed the attention, which makes me feel a bit crappy, but I appreciate that my lessons are so formulaic because I haven't broken out of the routine yet. I need to work in that active learning somewhere! I had a full house today, A was being a little bit of a shit, although I've decided to take the nice approach with him, as he doesn't respond to confrontation. Maybe this is a mistake, but I want to keep him onside. The TA came up to tell me she'd be meeting with the SENCO to discuss my group: there are too many kids with too many problems - two non-English speakers, four statements and a whole host of problematic behaviour - for me or her to cope with. I need to differentiate better, although I'm getting in the habit now of printing off extra stuff for one of the kids.

Anyway, the lesson ended and after a cigarette we had an "active learning Shakespeare" workshop which was really interesting, and I hope I can use some of the ideas (props!) in my future lessons.

I stayed till 6 and marked some year 7 assessments, then took home my year 10's folders to mark; I assured them I would have it done by tomorrow but it's half 11 now and I've only done 5 of the blasted things.

Oh well, I'll sleep when I'm dead. Thank god it's Friday tomorrow.