SO where am I now?
Well, there are exactly three days left until half term. After that, I have six weeks until I am finished for the summer. 6 1/2, technically, but I'm refusing to count those last couple. So all in all, that adds up to about 35 1/2 days left of school. If I was a little less stressed, I think I would probably add up exactly how many hours that is. But I won't.
I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't able to keep up the blog the whole way but it just became impossible. You see, I had managed to go all those weeks before the paperwork caught up with me and, now that it has, I just want to die.
I actually joined the gym last week because I decided that perhaps exercise would make me feel better. So far, it hasn't.
I'll be honest, I'm feeling insanely miserable right now. I actually walked home from the gym in tears. I don't know why I was expecting some wave of euphoria to wash over me when I finally did a little exercise, but when it didn't come and I was left with that same gnawing feeling of inadequacy which has been eroding my self confidence for the past lord-knows-how many weeks.
I suppose this is what being stressed feels like. I had year 8 today (today being Tuesday) and I was so frustrated with their behaviour I was actually imagining pushing one of them in my head. That terrifies me. Whenever stories crop up in the red tops, detailing frazzled ancient teachers coming to the end of their tether and finally bitch-slapping a kid, you never assume they're in their first year of teaching.
I think I've been working around the same idea for a few months now. Do I really want to come back in September? If I don't, I have until Friday, being half term, to hand in my notice if I want a good reference. So what's stopping me?
I guess I should just weigh up the pros and cons:
Why I should leave:
I am miserable, and have been for a long, long time.
I don't feel like I am any good at it.
I don't really feel supported by several people in school.
I don't feel I'm able to say anything about that.
I genuinely hate some of the children. I also hate the people who tell me I shouldn't.
I feel that no matter how many hours I plough into preparing things, my lessons are no better than they were in September.
My behaviour management is worse.
I'm tired, all the time.
I miss my friends. I miss doing things mid-week. I miss having the whole weekend to myself.
I miss coming home at 5 and switching off.
This isn't what I want to do in the long run.
When the kids tell me I'm shit at teaching, I believe them.
I hate being bad at anything. I feel that constantly here.
I really don't think they are learning anything.
I have a headache all the fucking time.
I have never felt so unhappy. Really, never.
For all the hours I do, I seem to be constantly out of money. The pay is terrible.
I feel undermined by everyone.
I feel like everyone fucking hates me. Staff and children.
I'm beginning to hate everyone else too.
Sometimes when I'm feeling really low I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid.
If this was any other job I would have walked out the door 9 months ago.
I get so stressed out that the only thing I was looking forward to, Latin Club, is being pushed to the background and has been cancelled three times now.
I honestly can't imagine putting myself through this all again next year.
Oh god. That hurt.
Why I should stay:
I don't want to fail.
I actually don't know what else I'd do.
If I quit now, I would never be able to apply for something else high-pressured. The army would definitely say no.
I've invested this much in it, it's only another year. And it will get easier.
I don't want to let anyone down.
I work with some wonderful people; I've made some wonderful friends.
Some parts of it I do like. I can't think of any right now.
I genuinely love some of the children.
I really want to see some of the kids do well.
I have developed my teacher voice to the point that I can clear a corridor pretty quick.
I've done some of the most stupid things ever since starting this, and I managed to get through them unscathed.
Since joining the gym I have something else to think about, although I hate that too.
There are times when I feel I'm doing a good job. Sometimes. Ok, rarely.
I've achieved some good things.
Despite all the bullshit I've only had two sick days all year, and I was genuinely sick on both.
I quit smoking and kept that up.
I really love Latin club, and the enthusiasm of some of the kids.
I want to see the end of this. I don't want to leave it now.
I like the idea of being an English teacher.
I don't know where that leaves me. I need to stop moaning. I need to stop saying I want to leave; my colleagues are already growing tired of me, I can tell. I feel at the moment I'm just trying to get through the week before half term, so I can reassess and sort myself out then. I just feel like I need to get through a mountain of paperwork and I'll never do it. I hate the idea that somethings will just never get done. That upsets me.
I suppose I should go to bed now, and deal with the rest of the bullshit in the morning. Only three more get-ups to go now. I cannot wait till Friday.
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