Day 165: The Beginning of The End

I actually don't know where to start. I suppose I'll just come out with it. I'm in trouble. Real trouble. I genuinely don't know what is going to happen now, or what I can do about it. I'm going to try to sort through this for my own sanity rather than anything else.

So yesterday was the last day of half-term. It was also the last day that I could hand in my notice if I wanted to leave in September and receive a good reference. I had let this fact go quietly, because I suppose I had made up my mind that I would stick at it. I wasn't teaching because I'd booked a hospital appointment for the morning (it had been rearranged to that day - by the time I realised it wasn't during half term it was too late to change.) After a nice morning being prodded followed by drinking coffee with my friends in the hospital canteen, I swanned in around 12, thinking I could spend the last couple of hours planning for Latin Club. I came in just in time for the last ten minutes of my year 7's lesson, so relieved the cover teacher and watched 5 minutes of Enchanted with them (and ignoring the mothers' meeting that was occurring in the back corner) before wishing them well on their way.

I went to the English Office and excitedly booked tickets to Yorkshire with two of my colleagues; we're going to stay with my northern colleague's family and see the moors, or whatever it is you do up there (I lived there as a young child but have no recollection whatsoever, other than our treehouse.) When the bell rang for period 5 I skipped off to my classroom to plan my lesson for Latin Club. I was pretty nervous about it - I'd sent out an email the night before but as it was the end of term and I'd cancelled last week I wasn't sure who would come. I ended up extending the activity I'd done a few weeks ago which had been really successful, adding bits of information about Rome. As it turned out, four students turned up, and my two colleagues came to support. They ended up joining in, along with the librarian, and I found that two of my students were able to explain it better than I could. Although there weren't many there, it was nice to see the enthusiasm of the four boys who showed up. I thought to myself that I'd have to seriously plan out the next one to reward their enthusiasm.

Finishing early, my colleagues and I arranged with the librarian to go for a drink, and we went off to sort ourselves out. I decided to leave everything at work and come in on Tuesday to sort it out - I didn't want to think about marking just yet. I sat in reception waiting for my colleagues when a group of students were brought in by the school's PC. Something about "trouble at the bus stop". The librarian and I exchanged knowing looks and a woman who'd led our after school training came in, and I chatted to her briefly until my phone rang. An unknown number. I answered it, and it was my LDO. I remember she's called us all in the beginning on the last day of the first week or something, so I was expecting a similar "how did it go" chat when she asked me if I had a few minutes to spare.
"Yeah, now's fine." I said. I was still waiting for a couple of people to turn up.
"OK, well I'm just going to come out and say it... a 2010 participant found your blog and read it, and called our graduate recruitment department saying that they were concerned and frightened by it."
"Oh... dear." I stammered. Shame, fear, and something else, probably a cold sweat, washed over me.
"Now, I'm not saying you're in trouble, and I'm not going to tell you to take it down, but now it's been brought to our attention, we have read it, and I have read it, and your tutor and I are worried. Are you ok? I know how hard it is but we're really concerned about you."
I felt tears prick my eyes, and became suddenly very aware of my colleagues waiting behind me and the students waiting to see the PC. I can't remember what I said, but it was apologetic. It got worse. She suggested I meet with her and my tutor in half term for a chat. Then she said:
"Also, have you heard of [person I had heard of]? He's the external relations director for the programme, and he's read it too and he'd like to meet you. He'd like a little chat about being 'media-savvy'."
I agreed to said meeting, and said "chat" for the following week. I said goodbye and walked out the door. My colleagues (there were about four of them now) looked confused and I blurted out what had been said. I was mortified. I have never felt so stupid, so embarrassed and so terrified. What were they going to do to me? A colleague joked that they might try to have me sectioned. I don't really know what to think right now. Fortunately there was wireless in the pub, so although the blog has not been taken down, I was able to make it private so that only I can read it. I'm simply cataloguing this for my memory. It reminds me of a column I read in the guardian magazine, where the author, who often wrote about his neighbour, was confronted by said neighbour about it and denied that he was writing about him.

I feel like I'd been writing a note insulting my teacher and she found it and read it. I know that this blog turned from a reflective tool into a bit of a bitch fest by the end of it, and maybe if I'd written throughout the whole of the last term I would have been a bit more balanced. I am mortified that the last post was read by all these people. I have gone out of my way to never mention the school or the students or colleagues by name, but I suppose that doesn't matter. I guess all my complaining that I'm not coping has finally been heard by someone. I just have to see what will happen.

Now, as if that bombshell wasn't enough, I made the mistake of getting rather trollied at the pub, and my colleague, now my senior, tried to have a heart to heart with me. After 7 hours (literally) of drinking, this was not the best idea.
"You and I need to have a chat" he said, as we sat in the beer garden surrounded by North London's finest.
"What about?"
This went on for a little while, then he said:
"You need to curb your behaviour."
"What?"
What the fuck did that mean? What behaviour? I remembered all the crying in the office recently, the swearing, the complaining. I suppose he was right about that but it wasn't like I was doing it to get attention. I had just been really really unhappy and I didn't think to hide it from anyone. Maybe that was a mistake.
"Kicking down doors." he finally offered, "I wasn't even there, but..."
Now I was upset.
"That is bullshit." I spat.
I have never, ever, kicked in a door. Yes, I've closed one with my foot when my hands were full, and maybe slammed it by accident, but I have never, EVER, 'kicked in' a door. I was furious. This meant that they (who?) were talking about me, and twisting what I was doing into some sort of mental behaviour. I stormed out of the pub, which I suppose did little to dissuade anyone that I am prone to overreaction. I cried the whole way home, and I am still mulling over what he said now.

I actually feel like not going back after half term now. I suppose I am really quite angry about this whole thing, and maybe after an incredibly stressful 6 weeks and an evening in the pub I shouldn't overreact, but I am now not sure if they even want me back. Have I become some sort of unpredictable nightmare? Am I that bad? If I am that shit at my job, why didn't someone say something sooner? I suppose I am going to have to wait for the meeting on Tuesday and speak to them then about what I can do. Maybe they don't want me to go back. At this point in time, I really, really don't know what to do. Part of me, assuming they're not going to suggest I leave, wants to stick it out just to spite them. But then a bigger part of me isn't sure how I can go back to work after that. I guess I'll just have to wait till Tuesday.