Days 68, 69, 70: SNOW and 2010

How to end the hardest 14 weeks of my life? With a day off. Thanks, global warming! Or, rather: Thanks, acting head!

The last three days managed to merge into one long mess, so I'll sum up together.

Wednesday: I "taught" the last of my lessons for the week. I managed to get the year 9s to do the assessment they refused to do the day before, although one girl, sans TA, refused to do hers, even with my help. I pretty much switched off by the end of the day, which was pretty terrible, although not before enjoying watching my year 7s literally jump out of their seats when I showed them the Beowulf film. Oops. I ended the day helping out at an "exhibition" of art work in the atrium (costumes and huge Tim Burton-esque statues that appeared one day) by serving mulled wine, ignoring children, and then heading to the pub.

Thursday: Not starting till third period, and with only two lessons, and the staff do in the evening, meant that by this point there was very little teaching being done. I showed a film to year 9, who whined, and watched my year 10s do their coursework. Or ask me to read it and hand it back to them within the lesson. I left the place in a bit of a mess, as I had a Teachy Firsty meeting with my fellow Teachy Firsties and our professional mentor. It was quite nice - a bit of shop talk, but also crisps and sparkling wine, and the realisation that the end was nigh.

I then ran off with two English colleagues to get last minute things for the Staff do we would be having that evening. There was a quiz in the school's theatre, and the highlight of which, other than coming joint first in our English team, was the announcement from the acting head that, if the snow continued, we would have the last day of term called off.

Of course, after a rather boozy staff function, we were relieved to be rewarded.

Friday: Snow day. I spent half of it in bed, then made my way home to my family. I felt slightly robbed of my last day of term, although who am I to begrudge a lie-in?

So I suppose this is where I cast my reflections on the term, and on teaching in general. Perhaps writing this two days before I go back to school will have more influence on how I feel than is fair, but after two weeks of explaining to anyone who asked the impertinent question: "So, how is the teaching going?" I no longer feel the need to be polite.

Reader, I hate it.

I absolutely, positively HATE it.

I keep joking that "teaching would be great, if it weren't for the children" but really that's not what I hate. No, I could put up with the apathy, chat-back, teeth-kissing and such if for one thing: if I knew I was doing a good job otherwise. I actually quite like a lot of the kids. What I hate is being bad. And I am TERRIBLE. My lessons are too short or too long, the pace is crap, my moods are tempestuous, my passion for English (which exists somewhere) is often severely lacking when it comes to texts I don't like, my organisational skills are APPALLING which means my books are not marked, and my APP stuff is certainly not up to date. And that's just the teaching, that's not even scratching the surface on the Teachy Firsty half of the job.

I suppose this sounds like some sort of professional suicide note. If any of my superiors (and I suppose everyone is superior in some way or another) knew what a mess I'd left behind they'd be less than impressed. One of the reasons I decided not to quit over Christmas (and believe me, that was a conversation I'd had more than once) was that I was too ashamed to leave the classes and my paperwork in such a state. I have spent the past two weeks forgetting exactly how big a mess I'd left behind but now that I need to face up to it, I am terrified about actually going in and trying to sort it out.

Which brings me onto this: My New Year resolutions. One thing I know about myself is that I Do Not Quit. I ain't giving in this easy, especially when everyone tells me that it gets so much easier this side of Christmas (fuckers better not be lying or I will be PISSED.)

Ergo:

1. Be more positive.
I suppose this goes without saying; I rarely see the brighter side of things, and my glass is always half empty and cracked. If I want to be happier, in general, and in this career, I need to be positive. Be nice. Until it's time to not be nice. (Thanks, Dalton)

2. Be more organised.
When I go in on Monday, at the crack of dawn, no doubt, I will make myself a very, very long list of all the things I need to get done. And I will do them!

3. Stop swearing.
Not that I do, in front of the kids, but I know I need to watch what I'm saying most of the time. I will try to expand my vocabulary to no longer require swears. I do love a good swear, though.

4. Try to enjoy it.
There's a Thai concept - Sanuk. No matter what the Thais do, they try to approach it with a sense of humour and find fun in it, be it working in a field, or no doubt, teaching ingrates. I'd like to try this myself.

5. Keep my personal life out of it.
I suppose I am no longer a teenager and should be able to go into my work without letting whatever shenanigans I got up to at the weekend upset me. So yeah, Be Professional.

Right. I have just over a day left of weekend, so I will make the most of it. I will try to get my journal in order, and prepare for my one lesson back on Monday. I will also take the time to chill out. I'm not looking forward to going back (that made be obvious) and cried a couple of days back at the mere prospect. However, I know I want to do this. I want to be good. I want to succeed, and I want to help the kids to do well, too. Lest I forget, this is all about the kids. Happy New Year, everyone. Here's to 2010.