I'm trying not to lose my head. Ah huh huh ha. Or something. As my facebook status, er, states: I am teetering between fury and despair. I have not felt this pissed off in quite some time, I can actually taste the bile.
Where did this come from? At first, I thought it was just year 8. They were unpleasant as always, and I sent out X within 5 minutes for being incredibly insolent and rude to me. She refused to come away from the window (and was stood with her head out of it), refused to sit down (in the most insidious passive aggressive way possible - "I'm coming, I'm just hot") and then made an incredibly snide remark about me "I just asked her to open the window, you'd think she had to go downstairs to ask permission or somethink.") This was at the start of what was a difficult lesson, compounded by a worksheet which was far too difficult for the kids and, admittedly, myself to understand, let alone complete. There was so much chatter, talking back and general rowdiness that I kept the whole group back for ten minutes, and asked my poor mentor, the HoD, to come and yell at them. He was pretty good, and after he took N off (who was also rude to him) I let them go one at a time, explaining to the remaining few my expectations of them for future lessons. I'm sure it went in one ear and out the other, but I'm glad that my mentor has seen them, and will now hopefully take at least two of them out - the group of disruptive children is too big and dominates the class.
I was pretty pissed off about the lesson generally, when my colleague with whom I share the class joined me at the end and told me that she'd spoken to X in the corridor and she'd heard her side of the story, which was that I "hate her" (ha) had picked on her, tried to close her fingers in the window (I had shut it when she refused to sit down, as all the kids were sticking their heads out of it) and general other things that I'd done. This pushed me over the edge, and I couldn't stop the tears.
I went back to the staffroom, was made a cup of tea and given a hug by a compassionate colleague, and resolved to leave early and do the work from home. I stopped off at my room to inexplicably rearrange my furniture based on an article I read, and so when I left it was quarter to five. However, on my way out the door I ran into my LDO from Teachy Firsty, who reminded me that we have training today. I have to attend at least 3 of these sessions as part of my training so I had to go really. Two 1/2 hours later I left and was even more irritated by the lack of buses, so by the time I got home I was fuming.
I feel run down, tired and pissed off with this whole thing. Why am I doing this? For whose benefit? Mine? Because right now all I seem to be getting out of it is stress. The kids are getting shit lessons and a pissed off teacher, and frankly we don't seem to be enjoying each others' company. I thought I was only pissed off because of year 8, but actually, all my classes were irritating today to the extreme. They were all chatty and unresponsive and exceedingly infuriating. I wonder how much of this is their behaviour and how much is my combination of PMT and nicotine withdrawal, but either way, I'm fed up with the whole sorry charade.
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